Retro Satana!

My daughter (R.) and I were studying Latin together today. (That is one of the perks of homeschooling - I get to learn things along with her). The Latin program we use combines grammar, vocabulary and Latin sayings into each week's lesson. Well, the Latin saying for this week is "Retro Satana!", or "get thee behind me, Satan!" R. and I laughed out loud at the choice of this particular saying, and had fun using it throughout the day, in appropriately humorous ways, on each other. For example, when I reminded her to finish her Latin homework, she responded with "Retro Satana!", and a wink.

The saying is an abbreviation of Jesus' words taken out of Mark and John, and, according to our Latin program, is to be taken as an admonition to avoid and stand strong against temptation.

These were words I needed to hear today.

It is easy for me, at this particular time in my life, to get into an emotional "funk." My dog is still in the process dying, my rector and his wife are still leaving our parish, and the winds of change continue to blow hard in my neck of the woods right now. There is not a lot that feels solid and constant. As a result, it is hard for me not to give in to anxiety and despair over the state of current events, particularly when others in my environment are bathing, not to say drowning, in these two emotions.

Change is hard. I have never liked it. I would rather know what is going to happen in my life, how it is going to happen, and be prepared. That, of course, puts me squarely in the driver's seat and removes any room for trust and faith in God. In my humanness, I crave this kind of god-like control. It allows me to hold on to the illusion that I, by doing something, can manipulate my environment and make everything all right.

But, it is an illusion. Self-sufficiency is an illusion. I belong to God. My very existence depends upon His sustaining grace. He is not unaware of or disinterested in the happenings in my life, nor is He allowing the events to unfold in ways that will be ultimately injurious to my spiritual health. But the process might hurt. It might feel (DOES FEEL!) out of control and scary.

It is in these moments that I have a choice to make: Do I give in to the fear and need for control, or do I fall back into the arms of my loving Savior, trusting in Him to work in these events for my good? The temptation to seize control, and make myself "feel better" by doing something, is great.

So, at this moment, as events in my life seem out of control, I utter "Retro Satana!", and pray that I have the faith to trust in God and not give way to anxiety and despair.